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Thursday, March 22, 2007

10:51PM

And thought upon thought has turned into…
 
You in your car, it’s too sunny and specs of light filling your lungs your throat touch your lips
You’ve gone hungry today
To understand emptiness
Coughing your dust, a sundry addiction
 
Take up my offer, between the bars
Remember the feeling
That chance, just a chance
To be his
To be his
 
Elegantly wasted, and I can taste it
 
Who is at fault
One foot in front of the other
One hand behind his back
Catch your fall
Hit the city
Lose it all
 
He’s a setting sun
And he’s in everyone

He's left, he's gone, he's done his second disapearing act
fucked me over, consequitvely
hopeless
hopeless
He is the tower around which i orbited
Hit back when hit, attack when attacked
need his smoke
need his spit
need his hips and need his kiss
his boose
his coke
his meth
I want all of him
i want all of him
very sweet, very patient, and forgiving
I'm fuckign sick of acting like its okay
I'm sick of acting like I dont need you
Don't worry about it
It's chill
No
No
No
Wrong.
I am broken
I am no one

again.

fall to the ground in hours of impact
an accidnet waiting to happen

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

10:01PM

He's gone away
again
left me
again
fuck him
again.
what did i do
what can i say
what is the reason
good god i dont need a reason

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

7:02PM - amphetamine dextro-amphetamine.

the bottle is gone and I can't stop craving that incessant shivering, the humming wires of my brain, the silent of my stomach
empty and cold
and swaying outside in your arms
a heartbeat away from my last
the silent frequency of speed and these pale lights of my highschool
a mosaic of sleepless nights
thinking about everything and nothing
everything and nothing.

Monday, October 30, 2006

8:20PM

i can't stop thinking and crying and wishing i wasn't here, not now at least
i cant get through to him what i really am trying to, i dont know, whats even my point and i'm so unaware
something inside of me rolled on its back and died
i cant stop wishing take me away from here its day one and i'm already 
in pieces. you, baby you, can only save me.
why are you so indifferent

Sunday, October 8, 2006

3:07AM

i can't sleep                                                                           i want a cigarette
i can't sleep                                                                           i want to be with you
i can't sleep                                                                           i want to feel the hunger
i can't sleep                                                                           i want to feel the bones/yours and mine.

inspiration.
where
have
you 
been
(?)

Monday, September 11, 2006

7:27PM

so I've gained a total of five pounds this summer. I'm going to make a plan to lose it all. Hmm. I've been doing really good lately. So this should be easy. The notebook doesn't work so I'm going to try this, online stuff. 
11 September 06
Breakfast:
115 milk
Lunch:
120 salad
Snack:
100 salad
50 pomigranit half 
330 almonds....
Dinner:
like...BINGE.
uhhm..
lets say
1000.
Total: 1715
Not Bad. Not fucking good either.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

10:57PM

The smile of a boy, a child, an angel. 
laugh
laugh
laugh
and does he cry? he doesn't feel anything. 
He pushed me against he wall and dug his hands into my chest
he pushed me against the walla nd dug his hands into my heart
he pushed me againt the wall and dug his hands inside my head
he pushed me against the wall and pushed himself till i was dead
pressed pressed, how he makes me feel, so surreal so surreal
pressed under the blanket like snow white, i feel him seething
i hear him breathing, breathing, breathing.
next to me and over me, and down my neck and in my skin
i feel him and i touch him and he fucks me over
again 
and again, i hate this feeling
but i welcome it so openly
like my legs i spread them, and he feels me oh so tentavely
fuck me fuck me, dig with your knees, into the matress on the sheets.
push me push me, please dont leave me
i need him more than i can believe
lying lying, always crying
a mess he's made
he's made of me.
can i never ask him why?
can i ever ask him why?
so happy so young
why doesnt he
wnat me.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

5:33PM

i hate my eating disorder.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

7:19PM

I feel like I've got you again. Why? I shouldn't. I know I'll lose you as soon as I start believing your mine. Yesturday you said I had long eye lashes. I wanted to tell you I get lost in your eyes sometimes, in a fugue, lost lost gone, full and silent and complete. Full of light. Full of you, your soul. 
Maybe you are blind and cant see how I look at you, with so much craving and so much love I try to make you feel that. I try to be more than a friend, I get shut down, I get locked in, locked inside what isn't mine, I want you baby. I want you bad. 
I'm thirsty. I need to see you.
Tomorrow, I'll whisper down your heart in French..

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

10:34AM

loss loss loss loss loss lost.
I'm lost. I have no soul and my body aches. I have a fucking hang over and he doesn't love me. He doesn't look at me the way I look at him, he doesn't feel my soul or my heart, he doesn't feel any splendor or craving. He doesn't notice. He just smiles. Smiles and shrugs. I feel like I've failed myself, could I have done better? I guess you can't make people love you. but only if  you could, if only I could find some elixer to bring us together. Prayers dont work. Charm doesn't work. I have no charm. I'm fucking...disgusting. I feel so low about myself. I am further degraded. I am Jill's radging self-loathing. I am Jack's broken heart. I give up. I'm spent. I'm gone. I'm done. I'm lost. I need to find myself, I have to find a way, a better way, a way out of this mess I've made of myself. A deadbeat. A cliche. Unsophistocated in every way, slack jaw, droopy eyes, no ideas formulating in the spectrum. Cant sleep. Cant eat. Not even human. What have I become? Living breathing organic matter, dressed up in jewelry, asian silk scarves, collars, watches, superficiality. I am fake. I am nothing. I am not even nothing. How can he not notice my feelings for him? I'd like to stand near him always. His smile lights up the room, in any mood, if I saw his smile and felt his soul, my heart would overflow. I would become again. I need to stop trying to move like some beautiful person. I am not. I realize this now. This is so low. Do things get better? they have to get better. I'm young. I'm fucking tired. but I cant sleep, because every time I fall asleep I wake up panting and sweating and in a panic. I wake up and I cant breathe, I cant breathe and I cant wake up, stuck in a panting panic, asphixiating. Something is trying to kill me. Good riddance. Fuck all.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

1:47AM

I just want to fucking kiss you. I want to fucking be with you and board with you and listen to reggae with you and play with your dreads. I want to be a vegetarian with you and drink coffee with you. I want to go to Long Beach with you and sleep on the beach with you. I want to get stoned with you and get ice cream with you. I want you to hold the bones of my shoulders and tell me to eat. I want to feel perfect for you. I want to feel tangible to you. I want to feel grungy and free to you. I want you to find your inspiration. I want us to fall asleep together.
I want you. 
I dont even know you.
----------------------------------------------------------
92.

Saturday, May 6, 2006

11:13PM

you must want to fuck me.

10:53PM

too thin, clenched fists
my nihilist
so many things                                                                        I'll never fucking tell.
      tomorrow and tomorrow and                                           tomorrow.
when i see you
never see you
                                                                                                        anymore.
who needs to eat

i crave you
my appetite                                                                                gone
except for
my twist
my nihilist

your                                   coming on too hard
i listen to your                                         drunken rants all
night.
how you didn't know                                   beauty
or
                                  love
until you met                                                       me
"there's something about you." 
let me feel your                                                                           soul.       
let me feel your                               bones.     
he can feel me, growing thin.
shaking and bony wrists
my nihilist

never one to                                       trust.
never is too much.
never is enough.
black eyed, black heart, light head. 

                                                                              i'll waste
away. 
till
he                                     comes.                                   
booze on his breathe, breaking my back///

Sunday, April 23, 2006

9:41PM

guess what fuckers. i am 94 pounds. i have four more to go till a perfect 90. the perfect 89 the perfect 88
 how low, how long, howling.

my collar bones look great.

Monday, March 6, 2006

7:25PM

starting the rotation diet + running.
today i ate alot and i dont give a fuck because tomorrow i will start anew.
Breakfast:
150
in between breakfast and lunch:
35
lunch:
10
90
130
in between:
lots of soda
dinner:
130
50

lets see if i can do that.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

7:00PM - XXX

Last night was wild. I did extasy with Viv and Jeff. It was such a cool looking pill, I swallowed it and I didn't even feel high, but then I stood up and everything was so slow, then sped up like a fucking train. Alls I could think about running through my head was buzzing dizzy lights and words like thrill pill and love drug. I felt so perfect and loveable. My heart was racing, everything was racing. My whole body buzzed and buzzed I was a fucking fire fly. Dopamine poured into my system like a river. I looked at Viv and Jeff who's pupils were dilated and who were acting very fucking nervous. I told them they were fucking worryers. We're all fucking worryers. I got so thirsty like I was fucking stoned or something, but Viv and Jeff stopped me from drinking too much water because then I might die or some shit. Anyways, I had a really good time. I've been excercising more, and I think I might be either losing weight or gaining muscle. I dont know. And either is fine with me as long as I'm fucking rail thin. I want to be so thin.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

9:13PM - 1031006

Today was my birthday. I went over to Aly's house and we smoked joints outside her house, then we came back in and made cookie dough and ate it all. I felt really gross about it, here I am trying to lose weight and I go and get stoned. The pot made me feel empty and smoky inside and my head hurt. I didn't say anything though. Then we went to Gin, its this new Rave bar thing. I had a couple of drinks but still felt fucking disgusting. I'm planning on studying in Paris for a few months this summer, so I need to lose weight. I'm at 110...maybe I could loose like 5 pounds. Hmm...

Sunday, January 29, 2006

8:47PM - 1029006

Today was absoulutely fucking disgusting. All that I did was lay around my half ass trash apartment in the sun, doing lines of sleeping medication and eating. I hate eating. I hate fucking food. I've gone from 109 to 111 this month. I want to be a super model who goes to secret partys in the Hills, I want a nice boyfriend who buys me bottles of wine, tells me how thin I am, and gets so concerned when I go to the bathroom after every meal. I just now decided to take this so called eating disorder to another level. I want to be a muse. A fucking muse. I'm inspired and I'm sorry. Today after I did a line of hydrocodeine and some other painkiller and some sleeping aids, my friend Ash came and picked me up and I got to drive her car for a little bit. I gave her a couple of cigarettes and we drove around, me half asleep smoking a cigarette with huge glasses on. I liked it alot. I'm really worried right now, that everyone hates me and that I'll end up lonely and boney in my fucking trash apartment. This is my future. My mom called me today. It was so fucking weird to talk to her. I haven't talked to her since I was like 19. She's such a fucking crack whore. She asked me if I had any extra money and I told her I didn't. But my secret is I do. I'm working 3 fucking jobs. One for rent, one for food, one for fun. The fun money could be used to support her fucking habits, but I decided that I have to indulge in something in life. But I think I'll spend the extra hundred dollars this month on something new. Some new perscription pill. Hmm....I love the sound of it all. Dextromorphine. Ambien. Codeines. Oxy. Hydro. Mmmm...I should probably call him. He should call me, useless mother fucker.