Today was absoulutely fucking disgusting. All that I did was lay around my half ass trash apartment in the sun, doing lines of sleeping medication and eating. I hate eating. I hate fucking food. I've gone from 109 to 111 this month. I want to be a super model who goes to secret partys in the Hills, I want a nice boyfriend who buys me bottles of wine, tells me how thin I am, and gets so concerned when I go to the bathroom after every meal. I just now decided to take this so called eating disorder to another level. I want to be a muse. A fucking muse. I'm inspired and I'm sorry. Today after I did a line of hydrocodeine and some other painkiller and some sleeping aids, my friend Ash came and picked me up and I got to drive her car for a little bit. I gave her a couple of cigarettes and we drove around, me half asleep smoking a cigarette with huge glasses on. I liked it alot. I'm really worried right now, that everyone hates me and that I'll end up lonely and boney in my fucking trash apartment. This is my future. My mom called me today. It was so fucking weird to talk to her. I haven't talked to her since I was like 19. She's such a fucking crack whore. She asked me if I had any extra money and I told her I didn't. But my secret is I do. I'm working 3 fucking jobs. One for rent, one for food, one for fun. The fun money could be used to support her fucking habits, but I decided that I have to indulge in something in life. But I think I'll spend the extra hundred dollars this month on something new. Some new perscription pill. Hmm....I love the sound of it all. Dextromorphine. Ambien. Codeines. Oxy. Hydro. Mmmm...I should probably call him. He should call me, useless mother fucker.